


you're too wrapped up in your self-doubt

by babybirdblues



Series: Magi drabble/ficlet set [1]
Category: Magi: The Labyrinth of Magic
Genre: Dead People, Gen, Gender Change, No Dialogue, kind of dark?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-16
Updated: 2016-01-16
Packaged: 2018-05-14 08:50:28
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,009
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5737333
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/babybirdblues/pseuds/babybirdblues
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>She calls them regrets. [Alibaba wasn't born hearing their whispers, she grew into it.]</p>
            </blockquote>





	you're too wrapped up in your self-doubt

**Author's Note:**

> Uh, this kind of went out of control. I'm serious. It was not supposed to be like this but, I like it? I mean, I find it flows well.

Anise used to tell her daughter that she had lovely golden hair.

It meant nothing to Alibaba, except that it came from her mother.  She told her that once, surprising Anise into tears.  When she asked, all Alibaba could understand was a family gift and that she had to be strong.  Alibaba learns the next day that those people she always sees, the ones Kassim thinks she makes up, are part of the gift.

In her time at the palace, Alibaba learns to differentiate the shades of grey into different colours, if only to pretend for a little bit that she fits in.  (She pretends to not notice all of the soldiers, the maids and the kings of old that are lurking just outside her vision.)

\---

She calls them regrets.

It’s not the most original name, no, but she could think of none better.  Especially when they’re in large groups, screaming, _hateful_ of the way their lives ended.

Alibaba learned early on not to bring their attention to herself.  They can’t kill her, but they can cause pain, cause confusion and despair and -- she just doesn’t like them knowing she can see them.  It’s better to be invisible, to ignore the woman over your shoulder screaming because you’re selling food to the man who killed her.  Just smile and pretend everything’s okay.

Sometimes it’s not that easy.

Sometimes they see Alibaba and know, even if she ignores them.  They’ll _know_ and they’ll whisper secrets, whisper of things Alibaba shouldn’t know, could never know.  When it just them, her and the regrets, she’ll listen.  She’ll listen and hope that it helps just the tiniest bit.  But she can’t always.  Not when they feel like maggots crawling under her skin, knives carving apart her lungs, brands caressing her legs --

Alibaba loses herself in the living because she’s afraid to lose herself in the dead.

\---

Aladdin is a child who sees _more_ than regrets, who sees those who returned to the ruhk.

She doesn’t realise it at first.  Doesn’t realise that she’s watching Alibaba with sad eyes because she knows, knows Alibaba is ignoring the regrets.  It’s startling when she realises, because Aladdin is the first who shares her somewhat-gift.  The younger girl just sees more than she does.

It’s weeks after they meet, in the middle of Balbadd, with Alibaba drowning in regrets and trying to save the people who are alive, that Aladdin informs her that she can’t actually see the regrets, not fully.

Alibaba’s envious -- but glad, in a horrible, selfish way that the regrets are still hers, still there for her in a way they aren’t for anyone else.  (Except she hopes no one else has to feel the pain and despair because it’s--)  She remembers being young and overwhelmed, young and wishing they would just go away; she can’t imagine it now.

On the eve Balbadd becomes an republic, Alibaba spends the night whispering back to the regrets -- whispering back to her people that it’s okay to move on, it’s okay to be afraid and to hate what happens while you're alive as long as you keep going.  Help Balbadd keep going, don’t linger.

She doesn’t know if it works.  Sinbad stole her away before she could find out.

\---

Sindria has more regrets than Alibaba would have thought.  

Aladdin says it’s okay, because the ruhk is just as strong.  It’ll help with the regrets, steadily bring them home.  Alibaba doesn’t have to worry about these regrets because they already know when it’s time to move on.

Except the ones in the palace.

But Alibaba can’t say that to Aladdin, who is so cheerful and sure.

There’s a woman, tall and fearsome but oh so gentle as she checks on her children.  There’s a knight who haunts the rooms of the generals, but mostly haunts Spartos.  There’s a couple who whisper around Ja’far but never get close enough to touch him.  There’s a man who keeps hobbling along on one leg, looking for something but never finding it.

She’d cry for them, if they let her.

They don’t.  They’re not like any of the regular regrets either.  They smile at her, but never whisper.  Never tell her of things they think she should know.  Never get within touching distance and if they see Alibaba start to feel knives and an impossible chill and the pain of lightning, well, they leave.

Alibaba doesn’t know what to do.

So, she does nothing.  She lives throughout the day, and when the regrets wander from their places during the night, Alibaba dreams in colour.

\---

There are more of the strange regrets.  

They follow Hakuryuu around, whispering too lowly for him to hear, patting him on the head and smiling -- they _never_ have a nice smile.

Alibaba tries to avoid Hakuryuu at first, because they make her sick.  Make her feel like she’s burning from the inside, like she can’t breathe and please someone, anyone help.  But Sinbad notices, asks her to please, try to get along with him.  Alibaba can’t say no.

(She sees a shade of a regret starting -- or already started.  She sees part of Sinbad moving like a hurricane and all she wants to do is help him get rid of it because he can get past his failures, his reasons for regretting.  He’s done so much and he’s saved so many.)

But she does hide, when it gets to be too _much._

Aladdin always finds her then, dragging Morgiana along behind her smaller form.

They smile at her, so bright and alive, reminding Alibaba that she’s alive.  She’s alive and while the regrets are there, left behind in the world, she doesn’t have to be.

Alibaba can change things -- can help the regrets move on, like in Balbadd.  (Aladdin assured her that her talking to them helped.)

\---

She starts with Sinbad.

His regrets are only half-formed, half of what they could be.

(Her fears -- the pain of burning, of being unable to breathe -- won’t keep her at bay from helping Hakuryuu, won’t keep her chained down.  Not anymore.)


End file.
